


Level 10

by i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, F/F, Guns, M/M, Self-Harm, Shooting Guns, Stabbing, Suicide, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 52
Words: 19,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22413319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics/pseuds/i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics
Summary: This was supposed to be our senior year.I just got together with Jeremy over the summer.My depression is under control for once in my life.And now we're playing Apocolypse Of The Damned in real life.
Relationships: Brooke Lohst & Jenna Rolan & Chloe Valentine, Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Christine Canigula & Brooke Lohst & Jenna Rolan & Chloe Valentine, Christine Canigula & Jeremy Heere, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 493
Kudos: 83





	1. 9-1-16

This was supposed to be our senior year.

I just got together with Jeremy over the summer.

My depression is under control for once in my life.

And now we're playing Apocolypse Of The Damned in real life.

How?

I have no damned clue.

Either way, it turns out Rich wasn't crazy for having an apocalypse bunker. At this point we, being the whole SQUIP Squad, are chilling.

Not really chilling, more calming each other down, and figuring out what to do.

From what I've gathered we're going to Canada. There's no infection there.

Thing is, we'll have to battle on foot and get from New Jersey to Canada without dying.

We'll probably take all the shit in Rich's bunker before leaving.

How did any of this even happen?

-Michael Mell


	2. 9-3-16

Jeremy and I have pretty much taken charge and have been voted as leaders.

By that I mean everyone had no clue what the hell to do and asked Jere and me what to do.

We're leaving Rich's bunker at dawn. We've come up with a route to Ottawa. We're taking everything that can fit into two backpacks from Rich's bunker.

The backpacks will be carried by Jake and Jeremy song as they're the tallest and therefore will be weighed down the least.

Christine and I have bats, Rich has a crowbar, Jenna, Brooke, and Chloe have knives of some sort, and Jeremy and Jake have fucking machetes.

I find it odd that we have like 5 months of Ramen noodles, a water filter, and like 3 different first aid kits along with some medicine, but no guns.

We'll be fine. There are 8 of us and we're all armed. We'll probably find some abandoned buildings within the first 2-4 days on the road.

We've already decided that if someone gets bitten they're shot on site.

We're not sacrificing each other, or eating one another.

We'll travel in 4s for now.

2 stand guard while 2 execute whatever task they've been given.

This leaves the other 4 to guard camp/base.

2 people guard camp/base at all times. We'll switch about every 6 hours giving those 2 time to sleep.

We won't stay in the same spot for more than 5 days.

But there's only so much planning we can do.

There are still so many undetermined factors.

I mean, we have no clue how many people have already died.

We don't know if our families are alive.

Hell, we don't even know if we're the last people in New Jersey.

What happens if we find someone we knew's undead corpse?

What if we have to shoot our family members?

How are we going to deal with the psychologically damaging action of killing each other if we have to?

What happens if the infection spreads to Ottowa before we get there?

But there's no time for thinking things like that.

We can't think that far into the future.

For all we know we could be dead in less than 8 hours.

No thinking past tomorrow.

-Michael Mell


	3. 9-13-16

It's been about a week since we've left Rich's bunker and no one's died yet. There haven't even been a close call or something. Our 4s and 2s system had been working very well actually. 

We found a store that sold guns and ammo and that type of thing a raided it. No major issues.

Well, there were some minor ones with morals, but that was still rather early on into this endeavor. (They were resolved with "WE ARE FIGHTING FOR OUR FUCKING LIVES AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT STEALING A VITAL TOOL IN OUR SURVIVAL FROM A PLACE WHERE THE OWNER IS PROBABLY DEAD?")

We also found a CVS and got some water and pads and tampons for the girls. And yes we've been living off of Ramen but it could be much worse. And we have each other.

Everyone with jeans has since hacked them to more knee-length shorts. Easier to run, and the extra fabric can be used as a bandage type thing. Any long-sleeved item has been tied around that person's waist or put in the backpacks.

By the time it gets like winter cold (it'll be coming soon most likely) we'll probably have found a Walmart or a Target and we can grab leggings, snow boots, and coats. Some replacement articles of clothing and most likely some more period shit.

Goddamnit. The girls are so like amazing. Womaning through that shit without pain meds. Jenna gets hella bad cramps. Christine gets migraines. Brooke gets really tired. Chloe just has severe mood swings. How do I know this stuff?

I'm the gayest one here. We're pretty close.

Anyways everyone's been settling into their jobs nicely. 

Chloe and Brooke look for food and water. Christine bounces around a bit, but she normally is trying to figure out where exactly we are and where we need to go, so like the cartography stuff. She's also doing the medical stuff. (No one's died yet but some more minor injuries have occurred.) 

Jenna's also bouncing around from group to group but she goes with the others and sorta acts as a messenger. Jake and Rich have been clearing our areas before we all go there. (By clearing I mean excessively stabbing/beating/hacking at everything that could kill us.

Jeremy and I are in charge. Sending people out, deciding when we leave and all that other stuff. But we've also been trying to keep it more like how our friend group used to be. Like messing with each other and all that crud.

Our current camp is Chick-Fil-A. There was some understandable controversy over living at Chick-Fil-A. I mean, we're all gay as hell. But it was the first thing we came across and it's served us well.

The good thing about standing guard while the others are either sleeping because they just had a shift, sleeping for their upcoming shift or doing whatever it is their doing is that I'm with Jeremy and that we can actually talk.

Like not about "which way are we going?" or "You take *insert 3 people here* to the right and I'll take *insert the other 3* to the left. We meet back here in an hour."

Like how we used to. (With a little more romantic stuff.) Kinda like yesterday. 

We were on guard duty right after Rich and Jake. And we were kinda just flirting with each other how we always do. Then Jeremy kissed me and I kissed back like normal. 

Then Rich called out from somewhere inside "Can you two stop making out and do something productive? Like, I don't know, MAKING SURE WE DON'T DIE???" We all laughed about it and Jeremy and I kept a grip on each other's hand for the rest of our guard shift.

You know laughing felt really good. There hasn't really been much time to laugh and have fun. We're kinda preoccupied trying not to die.

You know, we're kinda lucky that Jeremy and I have played through AOTD like 3 times (Level 9's still a bitch tho)

I still worry. This seems to be coming too easy for us. And there's just this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like something terrible is coming.

Whatever. Probably just my anxiety. It's been on overdrive since this whole ordeal started.

We'll be fine.

-Michael Mell


	4. 9-23-16

Things haven't been going god awful. We found a Walmart and got some more food and water along with winter coats, snow boots and leggings.

But it all hasn't bee sunshine and rainbows.

We've had our first close call today. 

It was Christine.

We were leaving our previous camp, Subway, and Christine was holding up the back. I heard soft sobs. I look over and Christine crying staring up at a zombie.

It was reaching out for her. She didn't notice. She was in some sort of state of shock.

I took the bat I had and bashed the thing's scull in.

Christine looked up at me with a tear streaked face and flung her arms around my neck and cried into my shoulder.

I asked her what was wrong and all I could get, and needed was "dad".

I looked over at Jeremy and mouthed out "her dad". He knodded and went to go get Chloe, Brooke and Jenna who were at the front.

That was after he tried to help console Christine. Emphasis on tried.

He just sorta awkwardly hugged her and rubbed her back. The he told here that he was going to get the other girls.

They practically came running and engulfed the girl in a group hug. Rich and Jake joined them.

I pulled Jeremy aside and told him I was worried about Christine's mental state. In all honesty I was most concerned about Christine from the start.

Jeremy agreed with me and we decided we'll keep and eye on her.

I just hope she doesn't lose that Christine spark that's been helping keep everyone's spirit up. That and Brooke just being Brooke and being cinnamon roll. The other's insist I'm a cubbamon roll too but I always argue against them.

I really do hope Christine will be alright.

-Michael Mell


	5. 9-30-16

There are times where I honestly question Jeremy's intelligence/sanity. And there are times where I know I don't have to worry.

Like today.

Because it's getting colder and shit we had built a bond fire. (It's great for cooking Ramen btw.) Jeremy had called Chloe and Brooke from guard duty and told us all to sit down around the fire.

I asked him what the hell was he doing. He just shushed me and asked me if I trusted him.

I said yes because he's my boyfriend, he's leading up through the goddamned zombie apocalypse and like duh. Of course, I trusted him.

Then he told me that if I trusted him I would shut up.

I was a little offended but it's Jeremy. I let it slide.

He then told us to tell the others one thing that we could do once we got to Ottowa.

Of course, like the perfectly sane teenagers we were, we shared at him like he was insane.

I very kindly informed him that was the dumbest fucking thing that had ever come out of his mouth. And he decided it would be a good idea to get a SQUIP.

He looked serious so we started to list some things.

Rich said we can redeem our sin of living at a Chick-fil-a for a week by eating only KFC for the rest of our lives.

Christine said we can stop moving every 5 days.

Jenna said we can have the fucking internet.

I said we can stop running for our lives.

Jake said we can eat something other than Ramen.

He stopped before Chloe and Brooke could say something.

"Ok. Look. I meant positive. And well find beans or some shit when we said another Walmart Jake. That was a legitimate concern. And thank you for being captain obvious Micha. It is greatly appreciated."

I scoffed. "It is an honor to be captain obvious and it is an honor I am willing to carry."

"Oh my god."

It was always fun when we can have these little back and forths with each other.

Then we started to list 'positive thing's.

"We can beat shit with hockey sticks," Rich was kinda good at this positivity thing.

"We can drink maple syrup," Was the only idea I could come up with.

Everyone looked at me like I was the insane one this time before we all started to laugh.

Then Jeremy pointed out that using a hockey stick really would be like ATOD. Then he grabbed a bat and said "find the bad guy push him aside" and pushed the imaginary zombie with the bad like it was a hockey stick.

Then I stood up and continued the cult chant and Jere joined me. "And then move one forward with your friend at your side it's a two-player game so when they make an attack you know you got a brotha gonna have your back and you stay on track-"

"And that's the end of that" Chloe interrupted us.

Jeremy laughed and went to go sit down. I grabbed his hand and dragged out of earshot of the others.

"You know, as dumb as it seemed, that we a pretty smart idea, love," I told him.

"I believe your exact words were 'that's the dumbest fucking thing to ever come out of my mouth'."

I lightly shoved him before grabbing his hand and resting my head on his shoulder.

"I love you,"

"Love you too Jer-bear,"

This moment was perfect.

Today was perfect.

I hope this never has to end.

Even tho it has to. We still have to fight for our lives every day until we make it to Ottawa. 

-Michael Mell


	6. 10-10-16

Like I've said before, I'm worried about Christine. But now some of that concern has moved to Rich.

He's been so jumpy. Might have to do with how short he is.

It's kinda sad to think about but all of his confidence has been replaced with anxiety. He's just paranoid. To an extent that I thought would take much longer for anyone to get too.

Especially Rich.

Like earlier today Jeremy went to go get Rich for his and Jake's guard shift. Rich was startled and so he got Jeremy in the legs with a fucking baseball bat.

, Of course, Jere, just being Jere asked what he's done to make Rich want his kneecaps.

Rich profusely apologized at once and Jeremy said it was chill.

I worry tho. He might like accidentally kill someone.

Oh well. It'll be fine.

\- Michael Mell


	7. 10-27-16

This is why we can't have nice things.

This is the sole reason why we can't have nice things.

The others have been really worn out lately. So Jeremy and I, being the good leaders we are, decided to take 2 guard shifts in a row.

The others could sleep, eat, and relax, and I could flirt and make out with my boyfriend.

Win win right?

Wrong.

Jere had just pulled away from a kiss and I was about to lean in again but then we heard obnoxiously loud laughter coming from inside our middle of nowhere camp.

It killed the mood so we walked back to camp hand in hand to see Chloe, Jake, and Jenna laughing hysterically.

Like rolling on the ground, tears streaming down their faces, wheeze laughing.

Of course I asked them what the hell did we miss.

Chloe just barely managed out UMOTSS.

I looked at Jeremy to see if he had any idea what that was supposed to mean.

Then Jenna explained that it was "Underrated Members Of The SQUIP Squad".

Then Jake said that he, Jenna, and Chloe were the most underrated members of the squad.

That was something I honestly couldn't object to.

And then we somehow got into a fight over who was overrated and who was underrated.

The dumbest debate I've ever been apart of.

And I've had our long debates over the name of a color because Rich likes to think he's gayer than I am sometimes.

After I was over that nonsense I went back to go stand guard. I was about half way to the post where we left off when I felt someone's hand close around mine.

I smiled. It was nice to know that even with all this shit going on I still had the single greatest thing to happen to me. I would say to get yourself a Jeremy, but he's mine. 

Sorry people.

Anyways, he spun me around to face him and kissed me. My arms wrapped around his neck instantly as we both smiled into the kiss.

When we broke apart we smiled at each other. Jeremy walked behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on top of mine.

We stayed like that for a while in a comfortable silence, lightly swaying, and looking out at our still laughing friends.

"You know, it's nice to see them this happy," he told me.

"I know right? Isn't it great?" I agreed.

He lightly laughed. "I feel like an overly proud dad watching his kids."

I laughed a little too. "Same tho."

"You know," he mused, "if we get out of this alive, after we do school and adult and that shit, we should adopt kids."

"No clue where that far into the future came from but I love that idea Jer-bear."

He pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

Not even I have been this happy since this whole zombie shit started.

But he's making all of this fighting worth it.

I love him with all of my heart.

I'm happy.

\- Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit tho. I forget Jenna exists 75% of the time. I just don't see/write a lot about Chloe and Jake. 
> 
> Don't hate me. 
> 
> Save that hate for when people start to die.
> 
> (I also proofread this one. I'll go in and fix the typos in the other chapters when I get my laptop back.)


	8. 10-31-16

Oof.

Just oof.

That is literally the only way to can describe my feelings about Halloween.

Jake was going to throw a Halloween party with the squad. It was going to be fun. Jeremy wasn't going to be a jerk. I wasn't going to have a panic attack in the bathroom. Rich wasn't going to burn the house down and almost die. Brooke wouldn't be dating Jeremy. It would be low-key pretty gay.

Of course, there's a little too much trying not to die for that. Crazy right?

But the whole trying not to die thing is adding to the whole spooky atmosphere of the holiday.

*insert jazz hands of sarcasm*

I mean, Rich and Jake, being Rich and Jake, raided the storage room at another Walmart so we have some like year old chocolate.

So... umm... what was it that people were screaming at the party?

Oh yeah.

BREAK A VASE!!!! IT'S HALLOWEEN!!!! BREAK A VASE!!!! ITS HALLOWEEN!!!!

God that so stupid.

Anyways. No one's died still. Kinda shocking actually.

Some of the groups have changed.

Jenna is with Brooke, Christine is with Jeremy, Chloe's with Jake, I'm with Rich.

We figured switching it up for a bit would be good. And by a bit I mean we'll most likely change back to out old groups less than 2 weeks into November.

Whatever. This is fine.

\- Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can tell most of these are filler can't you?


	9. 11-5-16

Welp. Here we go. It's started snowing. Welcome to the Northeast people.

25.

25 times.

That's how many people have slipped on ice already.

At this point, it won't be the zombies killing us.

It'Ll Be ThE mCfUcKiNg IcE!!!!

Anyways, while the ice sucks, it makes great opportunities to fluster Jere. And now those opportunities are slim to none. And I used to do it all the time!!!!

So when Jeremy almost falls, I'll grab his hand to prevent him from face planting into either a snowbank or more ice. Then I'll spin him around and kiss him.

His face is priceless every time and Rich tells us to stop making out. Which is funny because any time the get Rich and Jake start practically fucking. And then I peck my boyfriend and that's making out.

Like fuck off Rich.

No one's going to your fucking baby shower.

Also, those altered groups didn't last long. A shorter time than I thought actually.

I don't really care though. I get to be with my favowite pwerson.

Everything's been going really good honestly.

Minus the ice thing. The shit we thefted from Wall Mart back in early October/late September is really doing us some good.

Ramen warms us up. That and water with some hot cocoa powder. Also courtesy of Walmart as well.

I guess it really was my anxiety when I was worried about it coming easy.

I mean, we've been perfectly fine this whole time. Just mass murder of undead corpses.

I still worry about Christine and Rich, but I think Jeremy's really stupid team building activities have been helping both of them.

And those things, as stupid as they are, have become the little beacons of light for the whole team. Jeremy included

He just looks forward to the being a proud dad thing. It's cute tho.

Granted everything that boy does is cute.

I swear he'll be the death of me.

-Michael Mell


	10. 11-12-16

Holy shit this is the single greatest find we've made.

Solar-powered portable charger.

And I have tons of downloaded music because I can.

Guess who's resident DJ now?

Me. It's me. Michael Mell. Resident gay guy too.

Then others are only kinda gay.

I'm full rainbow bitch.

Anyways, now we have music for Jeremy's dumb team building activities. Music such as Hamilton, Heathers, Dear Evan Hansen, Bob Marley and other random musical and other shit. And now the music is the team-building thing sometimes.

On a more serious note, I feel like Jenna needs more on her plate. She just exists half the time with nothing to do. I haven't brought this up with Jeremy yet because I just haven't had the time.

We've traveled I have no clue how far. And apparently, while planning the route, Google Maps said on foot it should only take 7 days to get there.

But of course, we're fighting through the zombie apocalypse, have like 8 people in our party, and need to raid for basic survival shit. If someone were to die it take us even longer to get there if at all.

On the topic of death, I feel like it's coming for us. Jeremy, Jake, and Rich are getting more reckless every day. Christine is getting more, disturbed is the best word for it, every day. Jenna has nothing to do and is just wandering around by herself which is concerning. Brooke is losing her spark. And even Chloe is starting to worry me.

Something terrible is coming. I can feel it.

It is now decided. I need to bring up my concerns to Jeremy. I mean, I'm in charge too. And I have the boyf riend privilege. He'll listen to me more than the others. It'll go fine.

-Michael Mell


	11. 11-17-16

Took a little longer than expected to bring up my concerns to Jeremy than originally thought.

But it didn't go horribly.

He was doing something or other in some office at whatever our current camp is and I just sorta knocked on the door frame and walked in.

Our conversation went something like this.

"Oh hey, Micha! What's up?" He did the little like peace sign salute thing that he does wait.

I looked around the room a bit, slightly uncomfortable because I didn't know how he would react. Then he came over and grabbed my hands and asked what was wrong.

I told him that there were several things that had become concerning to me that I didn't know if he picked up on. He cocked his head to the side to tell me to continue.

"Ok, well, Jenna needs more on her plate. She's aimlessly warning by herself and I'm worried she'll get killed. Christine's mental state has slowly been plummeting. I've noticed Brooke's has gone down too. Rich has been jumpy to the point that I'm scared someone will accidentally die. On top of that, Jake and Rich have been getting more and more reckless every day and you're right with them. And-"

"I get why Jake and Rich being reckless is scary, but why me?" He interrupted my rambling.

I looked him in the eyes, to the point that I knew would make him slightly uncomfortable. "Jeremy, you are the single best thing that has happened to me. I can't lose you."

He took in my words for a few moments and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed back.

When we pulled apart he looked at our now intertwined hands.

"Michael I promise you, we will finish this how we started it. Together."

I smiled lightly and rubbed the tears out of my eyes.

"Are you crying?" He mused lightly smirking.

"No, it's dusty," I gave him a shit excuse before continuing. "Before we had that touching moment, I was saying how even Chloe has changed slightly. I don't know if for the better or for the worse and I can't quite pinpoint what exactly it is but she just has this vibe."

That went on until I listed all of my concerns. He did admit that he missed a lot of the ones I noticed and that he would keep an eye on them and try to fix them so I don't have to worry about them.

All in all, that was probably the best I could have hoped it would go. See this is why we work well together.

But, Jere knows what he's doing. He'll try to keep idiot 1 and idiot 2 in check and try not to join them. So that's hopeful.

We'll be fine.

\- Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *is trying to stock up on the fluff before the angst and can't decide why Chloe is concerning so it's kinda like "oh she just has this vibe"* God I'm dumb


	12. 11-21-16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA the chapter that was over 1k long that I wrote in like 25 minutes. How I have no clue.

Apparently, Jeremy's way of promising me that he'll be less reckless is to almost get himself fucking killed. 

I swear to god this kid wants to die.

Today, we were leaving the office place when some heard of zombies decided it would be a great time to snack on some teenagers.

They started coming and Jeremy said: "I'll fight them off before they get to you guys, you run."

I looked at him like the idiot he was and asked if he craved death. He told me to take the others and run. 

I still protested. Little more feelingsy the second time but it went something like-

"Jeremy are you FUCKING INSANE????" 

"Maybe just a little bit," he offered me that little smile that normally made me give in. I just stared intensely at him like I didn't care about my own death.

"Dude, we need you. I-I need you. We can't do this without you," My voice broke and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.

"Hey, what did I promise you?" He asked before kissing me. "I promised we'd come out of this how we started. Together." He kissed me again.

I rubbed the few tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "You better not fucking break the promise Heere."

I was about to lean in again before Rich called out from behind us with a slightly panicked voice. "Can you guys stop being gay so the short ones have a chance at survival when we run from those fuckers?"

I nodded before calling out to Jeremy, who was already walking off to face the horde. "YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR PROMISE HEERE!!"

"I'LL MEET YOU GUYS AT OUT NEW CAMP LOCATION OKAY?"

I gave him a thumbs up. Then we ran. Me and the rest of the squad in one direction, Jeremy in the other.

We kept running for god knows how long. I had to shut out Jeremy's cusses and cries to keep pushing forward. After we finally got to what we had dubbed the location of our new camp we stopped with no ice casualties. 

I never noticed the tears streaming down my face until Christine pointed them out to me. Then I sorta just let out all the pent of emotions of the past almost 3 months. 

We all sorta silently agreed that Jeremy was dead and we started to figure out how we wanted to do his funeral. Well, that was until someone cleared their voice behind us.

I thought it was Jake and I told him that the adults were talking and that he needed to shut the fuck up. Jake said it wasn't him. 

I told Rich the same thing. It wasn't Rich either.

I turn around and there's Jeremy. Standing there perfectly fine, minus some splattered blood on his face and clothes and a torn off sleeve on his shirt.

I started crying again. I ran up to him and slapped him. "DON'T YOU EVER PULL THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!! TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!" Then I kissed him.

After we pulled apart he pulled me into a tight hug. I whispered again "Never do that again. I thought I lost you."

He laughed a little bit "You told me to not break my promise. Did I not keep my promise?"

"Just don't pull that shit again. Ok Heere?"

He nodded "Yes sir, Mr. Mell."

Then he was tackled in a group hug. I don't think how much we were actually convinced that he was dead. Like we started to fucking plan his funeral.

I also don't think he understands how fucking lucky he is to not be dead right now.

This is why we used the 2s and 4s system. That whole system is why no one's dead yet.

The fact that Jeremy's alive right now is a miracle. I hope that he at least learns something about pulling that shit again. 

Who knows, maybe this whole ordeal will knock some sense into Rich and Jake as well.

Probably not tho. I'm gonna have to lecture their asses about risks vs. rewards If I plan on keeping any of the three of them alive much longer.

Jeremy's on some thin fucking ice and I'm going to yell at him for a solid hour later.

I'm just too happy that he's alive to yell at him right now. I smacked him. That would be enough for right now.

The thing is, that boy is never satisfied.

But hey, maybe it'll be beneficial if we all just take a break. I can lecture who needs to be lectured. We can regroup. Relax for a little bit. Just have fun like we used to before all of this apocalypse shit happened.

We just need to relax. Calm our nerves. Start thinking a little past tomorrow for a bit. Just think about how much better it would be to, you know, not die.

I mean, not like I can talk. I'm the suicidal one. But that's not the important part.

The important part is: Take a fucking break, you idiots. We're going to die if we don't just regroup for a few days. 

We'll just find a closed-off space, like a CVS or something, and exist there for like a full week and just regroup relax and calm the fuck down.

I'm not going to say everything will be fine because every time I say that it's not fine. And, on top of that, the statement is getting redundant. And this is not one of those fanfic scenarios where if the stupid gay boi says everything will be fine, it will become fine.

This isn't some fanfic scenario. I mean, it might feel like that some times, but it's not.

This is the zombie apocalypse. This shit is bloody warfare.

You've gotta kill to survive.

You've gotta go mom friend mode apparently. Even though that's not really working. If anything, every single time without fail, when I go mom friend mode everything gets worse.

We have to stop taking so many risks. This is becoming so dangerous. How no one's dead yet is beyond me, but with the rate we're going, someone will be dead by January.

My bets are on Christine (Her mental state keeps getting worse by the day. Wouldn't be surprised if she goes first.), Rich, Jake, and as much as I hate to admit it, Jeremy. (The three of them for obvious reasons.)

God this is such a mess.

\- Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA the musical (mostly Hamilton) reference chapter.
> 
> (You can hear the angst train chugging along in the distance)


	13. 12-1-16

That lecture about risks vs. rewards went well actually.

The start was kinda funny tho.

I told the girls that I needed to knock some sense into the idiots that we were trying to survive with. They understood and I told them to hold down the fort.

Then I got idiot 1, idiot 2, and my boyfriend and sat them down.

"Look, we're all here because I deeply care about you in a friend way."

Jeremy raised his hand and I called on him.

"Is this your way of breaking up with me Michael?"

I looked at him like he was stupidest person I knew. (I mean, he wasn't too far off.) "I'm not. I just thought it was an understood thing that your the most important thing to me, I love you more than life itself, and that I'd die for you if need be."

After I finished my thought he looked like he was about to cry. I rushed over and hugged him when we just sat there.

I could hear Rich and Jake making shipper noises behind us. The girls would be kinda jealous that the idiots got to see that moment and not them.

Why the six of them ship us so much is something I will never understand.

Anyways, they seemed to grasp the whole concept of risks vs. rewards pretty well actually. I think they'll try and be more careful, but hoping can only do so much. It's up them now.

-Michael Mell


	14. 12-8-16

I had the weirdest fucking dream last night.

I was in a date with Jere (there was no zombie apocalypse. Lucky them) and i went to the bathroom to cry. 

Then I went back and heard him scream. The SQUIP (loving dubbed tic tac robot) was looming over Jeremy. It was all like "sup bitch".

The it took out a sword that a Lego person would hold and went to go stab Jere. Then I yeeted a can of mountain dew red. It killed the SQUIP but it was too late. The SQUIP had stabbed Jere and he was now bleeding out. 

Then we had a touching (?) moment. Jeremy was all like "I love you MiChAeL Moo" and then I was like "and in love you too Jerry Here" through my teaes then he died in my arms and I woke up.

Like idk if that was supposed to be an acid trip or what but-

I have no clue what that was.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's actually a one shot I wrote. It's called wait what, and it follows the same storyline as what Michael discribed.
> 
> You should read it.


	15. 12-16-16

Take a break part 1.

We're upstate/in a different state I think.

Umm... no one died. And I was gay with my boyf riend.

But my depression's been coming back I think.

My way of incoming Jeremy of this was telling him "I love you so much I think it's starting to affect my mental health."

He looked at me for a second before he got at what I was saying.

He hugged me and told me that we were all going to make in out alive. I sorta just melted into his touch and had a meltdown. Most likely due to the fact that I crave affection almost as much as I crave death and I've been holding in an emotional breakdown for like 3 and a halfish months.

It's not the healthiest thing to do, but what can you do when you have to lead a group of as depressed of not more teens through the zombie apocalypse?

But today was good.

I think we need this week of break more than I originally thought.

-Michael Mell


	16. 12-20-16

Take a break day like 4? 4? I think that's right. It sounds right. Wea go with 4.

Take a break day 4.

Today was a good day and heere's why (I can make that joke heere because Jere won't read it.)

But anyways, today was a good day and heere's why: I was being rather self-depreciating and I ended up asked Jeremy what was wrong with me.

He wrapped me up in his arms and whispered into my ear "Dude, nothing is wrong with you. In any universe. You are perfect the way you are, flaws and all."

I started to cry and I kissed him. I asked how'd I get so lucky to have someone like him.

He told me that he had no clue what he would do if he didn't have me.

I kissed him and we just sorta swayed there in each other's arms, enjoying the moment.

While all of that sounds incredibly cheesy and a hell of a lot like a fanfic scene. But I don't care. I doubt he does either.

I love him more than words can possible describe and I'd rather be dead than live in a world without him.

Let's just hope it doesn't cone to that.

-Michael Mell


	17. 12-23-16

I swear flirting between me and Jere = shitty fanfic trope.

I was poking Jeremy's arm to make a point about whatever. He stuck out his hand and I started to poke his hand.

Then he gave me this weird lovestruck look. It was only weird because I wasn't doing anything particularly cute in thst moment.

Then I just rested my hand on his and he lifted then up so it looked like our hands were awkwardly chilling after we high fived.

The he intertwined his fingers with my own and swung out hands down to our sides.

God, I swear, the levels at which I love this boy are not healthy.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An actual thing thst me and my girlfriend did today. She's Jere in this and I'm Micha.


	18. 12-25-16

Christmas.

How the fuck do you do Christmas with a Jewish kid, an atheist, and in the middle of the Zombie apocalypse?

Answr: you don't. 

We just to the day and yeeted snow at each other.

I swear Jeremy is actively trying to kill me. He kept throwing snow down my shirt. Like that shit's cold as hell. 

(It kinda the whole point of it but still)

Let's just hope no one gets sick. Then we're handicapped and because it would be wise to leave one person to look after the diseased it'll throw off the twos and fours. There would have to be 8 hour shifts, verses our current 6 hour ones.

The going back and fourth between the 8 and the 6 would be annoying and take time to get used to.

It would just be a mess.

But hey, take a break day like 6? Is it six now? It doesn't matter. Time is a construct any ways.

-Michael Mell


	19. 1-1-17

Happy New Year Bitches.

My great welcome to 2017 was the damned snow getting me sick.

The forefuckingshadowing my dudes.

Anyways, now Jeremy has to stay with me so I don't die of my disease. Now I can make sure he doesn't die.

Well, as long as I don't get him sick.

Operation Take a Break went rather well and it was definitely something we all need. 

Christine and Rich's mental states have noticeably improved. You wanna know I know Rich is much better?

I walked in on him practically fucking Jake. Again. And I thought Jeremy was horny all the time.

Legit tho, I told Rich he needed to get a pastime that wasn't Jake. Doubt I'll walk in on them any time soon.

It was just good for everyone.

I had like 8 break downs, but hey, I was letting out my bottled up emotions.

One thing that won't be good for Jeremy is having to stay heere. Not because he has a thing with sick people, not that he doesn't care, or that he doesn't know what he's doing.

Let's just say he's a little trigger happy.

I mean, I shoulda saw it coming. He aways, every single time without fail, runs out of ammo whenever we would play ATOD. (Most likely one of the reasons level 9 was so hard. *cough cough* STOP USING ALL YOUR FUCKING AMMO BEFORE THE FIRST FUCKING CKECK POINT HEERE *cough cough* I'm not bitter *cough*)

Anyway, I can just tell, he wants to kill a shit. Maybe I could let him go with someone else and have like Brooke stay. idk.

I'm diseased and dying.

No, Jeremy, I'm not being overdramatic and whomst gave you the right to read what I was writing.

Well, he's gone now.

Anyways, I'm dying. Inside and out.

-Michael Mell


	20. 1-5-17

Apparently Jeremy was capable of not killing something while I'm still currently dying of disease. I told him that, if he wanted to, he could switch with Brooke.

He looked at me like I just killed our child.

"Michael you can't keep doing this."

I had no clue what he was talking about "Doing what?"

"Pushing me away! I mean, unless you were going to-" he trailed off but I knew perfectly well what he meant.

"Jere, Honey, Dude, Babe, Bro, Jere-bare," I got out of the sleeping bag I was chilling in "I'm not going to break up with you. I've just noticed that you look like, you need to kill something or other."

"I don't need to kill anything, I just know it's my fault that you're sick, and you can't keep getting up either. Like sleep child."

"I don't need sleeb"

"Huh? What was that beutiful? I keep getting lost in your eyes," he smirked.

"STOOOOOOOOP!!!!" I whined while hiding my face in my hands, "You can't just flirt with me like that when I'm sick, I can't flirt back."

He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "That's the whole point Micha."

"OH MY GOD STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!"

"Your so cute when you point like that," he laughed into my shoulder.

"JEREEEE!!!!! STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jeremy mocked me.

"God, I hate you," I mumbled.

"I love you too, Micha," he responded.

Even though I'm like diseased and dying, I still know that I have him.

I'm happy.

-Michael Mell


	21. 1-10-17

WHOOOOOO!!!!!! I'M NOT SICK ANYMORE MOTHEFUCKERS!!!!!

Honestly, Jeremy has impressed me. Like the whole time, I was sick. And I didn't have to be responsible. Like at all. My only responsibilities were to not get Jeremy sick, lay down, and continuously ask for cuddles.

But in the time I was dying, Jeremy kinda had Jake help out. I mean, running this ship is a two-player game. (a two-person job but I cannot be stopped)

But from what Jeremy told me, Jake did really well. I mean, minus letting Rich practically fuck him every 3 seconds, he is one of the most mature of our squad. He and Chloe are rather mature. Don't get 'em drunk tho. Then it all goes out the window.

Jeremy, I'm not lying and fuck off. Who said you can read over my shoulder?

God, I mean I love him but he's annoying as hell.

Now that I think about it, we can't use the "FUCK YOU, WE'RE JUNIORS" joke anymore.

We're not juniors anymore.

Well, how that joke came around is a rather funny story though.

Jake was going to be having another party but for just the SQUIP Squad. 

Jenna had gotten word that the seniors at some other school would be having another party down the street on the same night and she told Jake.

Jake wanted to be the "coolest party in the neighborhood" and that "we should totally sabotage their party guys, c-c-c-come on, it would be a great idea." (c-c-c-come on is another long story joke in our friend group involving Jeremy and porn.)

And so, because when Jake gets this determined about a thing, to the point, not even Rich can talk him out of it, we just do it.

So we get that jelly bath stuff (we got all the colors we could), put it in buckets and snuck over the pool fence.

There was this girl dressed in all blue 80's fashion. I'm pretty sure they were having a Heathers themed party or something. I think she was supposed to be Veronica and a while before we went to sneak over the fence she was making out with a guy in all black and a trenchcoat. So yeah. Heathers themed party.

The girl looked like she be trippen and completely wasted at the same time. She waves at us, we wave back, then she looks to where there is no glass door, we can't see what's happening over there. Then her face turns to one of concern and she runs over to wherever and she goes "YO! THERE ARE SOME FRESHMEN SNEAKING OVER THE POOL FENCE!!!"

Then some dude yells "FRESHMEN?? I HATE FRESHMEN!!!! WHERE ARE YOU LITTLE PRICKS??? I'M COMING FOR YOOOOOU!!!!!"

Then the girl that ratted us out started to argue with this girl. I don't know what they were saying because we were freaking out.

We were all like "OH SHIT!!! ABORT MISSION!!! RUN!!!" and Jake wanted to dump the last like 3 buckets. He yeeted one into the pool and we grabbed him so we could escape. Before we could get him he yelled "OH FUCK YOU LADY!!! WE'RE JUNIORS!!!!"

And then we ran for our fucking lives.

We got out alive. Rich lectured Jake. Jake said it was worth it, and now "Fuck you, we're juniors" is a joke in our friend group. I know that most of us used the phrase as our contact name for Jake.

Most of us being everyone but Rich. 

No one but Rich knows what it was.

Granted we're kinda lucky that we don't know. It was probably really kinky/dirty/not something you want to know, seeing as it was Rich and that's just how he is. (*cough cough* stop trying to fuck your boyfriend Rich *cough cough*)

But now we're not Juniors and we can't use that joke anymore. But when we get a cell phone provider in Ottawa I'm keeping Jake's contact as "Fuck you, we're Juniors".

That was a bit of a tangent, wasn't it?

Not that it matters. No one's dead. I'm proud of Jeremy. I'm not sick anymore. Jake makes a pretty ok leader. 

Fuck you, we're juniors.

-Michael Mell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *Finishes this chapter*
> 
> Me: That was a fun one. What's next?
> 
> Me: *Goes through how I want the plot to go in my head*
> 
> Me: Oh fuck. I hate myself.


	22. 1-22-17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already hate my self as much as you will for this plot point. But it had to happen.
> 
> I am so sorry.

Jeremy.

Zombies.

Gunshot.

Jeremy bitten.

Jeremy's gone.

I can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally crying. I'm so sorry. But Jeremy had to die. It sets the rest of the plot in motion.
> 
> Legit. There are tears on my face. This pains me as much, if not more, than it pains you.


	23. 1-27-17

Jeremy's been dead for about a week now.

It's crazy to think about how much your world can change in an instant.

One second Jeremy and I are kicking zombie ass, the next the universe is taking him away from me.

I'm finally up to write down what happened.

We were in a situation similar to when Jeremy nearly died the first time. 

There was a horde of decently fast fuckers coming for us Jeremy told me to get the others out of there and he'd fight them.

I reminded him of his promise and that I was going with him. Before he could protest I told Jake "Get them out of here. Go to the new camp spot. if neither of us shows up within 48 hours assume we're dead. Then appoint a new second in command and keep going."

Then I told the rest of the group that Jake was in charge until we returned.

They started to go one direction. "You ready Micha?" Jere asked me.

"As I'll ever be."

We essentially started playing hack and slash while chanting our cult chant.

It was going pretty smooth and we only had like 5 of those fuckers left to kill. I turned to Jeremy and one of them went to bit me. I wasn't paying attention and Jeremy stuck out his arm so it couldn't get me.

He screamed.

I knew what happened.

I could see the others weren't too far away. "GUYS!!! COME QUICK!!! EMERGENCY!!!!" I saw them change their course.

Jeremy grabbed his forearm. It broke my heart to see him like that, but we knew we had a job to do. We killed the last 5 and by that time Jake, being the tallest, had made it over.

He saw Jeremy clutching his arm. "Jere, did it get you?" he asked out of breath from running.

Jeremy nodded and I felt like my heart had just been violently stabbed 27 times with a rusty nail. He removed his hand from his arm and sure enough, there was a bloody bite on his arm.

I started crying. I couldn't move and the only words I could manage were "It's all my fault."

Jeremy reached out to me about to pull me into a hug, but he seemed scared to do so. "Micha, it's not your fault. It's mine. I coulda just stabbed the bitch."

Jake already had a gun out, I was hysterical and Jeremy had blood dripping down his arm when the others finally made it over.

Brooke and Christine started crying when they saw Jere and Rich was trying not to cry. At this point, Jeremy had to cry too.

"G-guys I'm so sorry. This is all my fault,"

Jake cleared his throat. "I know this is hard but..." he trailed off and raised the gun in his hand.

"No, I'll do it," Christine offered, "I'm already fucked up in the head."

Jake gave her the gun. Christine walked over and put her hand on my shoulder "Whenever you're ready."

The others all said their goodbyes. After they were out of earshot, I grabbed Jeremy's waist and started to cry into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around my waist and was crying too.

"So, I guess I broke my promise huh?" He asked, failing at brightening up the mood.

I lost it. "N-n-n-no!!!! You can't die!!! P-please don't die!!!! They need you!!!! We need you!!! I-I have no clue what I'll do without you. Jeremy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me!! You can't leave me now!!"

He kissed me. His lips were already cold and dead. It hurt just to see him like this. That was the final blow. I couldn't stop crying.

"Micha, Baby, I'm gonna tell you what you're going to do" He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me, "You're going to appoint Jake as second in command," He pointed at Jake. "Then the two of you are going to take care of Christine, Rich, Brooke, Chloe, and Jenna," He gestured to the rest of the squad.

"And you. Michael Mell, are going to finish this level for me," He lightly laughed through his tears, "Can you keep that promise for me?" I nodded, still crying.

"I love you, always and forever Jeremiah William Heere. Even if you have the most extra name ever." 

This is what hysteria does to you folks.

"I love you too, Michael George Mell, may the many memories of the shit tons of hours we spent trying to beat level 9 of ATOD bring you great joy."

We kissed for the last time we ever would. I walked over to Christine and nodded. "I'll catch up to you guys at camp." I started to cry again as the others were leading me away.

When we were about a quarter-mile away, the shot went off.

In that instant, we all stopped walking. Rich, Jake, and Jenna started to cry, and Chloe, Brooke and I started to cry harder.

Every important moment in my relationship with Jeremy flashed before my eyes in an instant.

The first time we met in kindergarten.

"Hi! I'm Jeremy! You look lonely, you wanna come play with me?"

I looked up at the boy. He had a stack of Pokemon cards in his hand. I instantly knew I wanted to be his friend.

Jeremy was my first, and only friend for the longest time.

I remember we got into debates over which Pokemon was better, or why the anime was good/bad.

Then the Halloween in second grade when we decided to be PacMan and Blinky.

Then it was when we started middle school. We were both so nervous.

And then seventh grade when Jeremy told me he liked Christine.

"Dude! I already know you like someone!! Just tell me!!" We'd been going at this for like a half an hour.

"Ugh!! Fine!!! I hate you for this tho man."

"WHO IS IT, CHILD???"

"Christine Canigula."

I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I had no clue why.

Oh boy, little me had no clue what was coming to him.

Then when I came out to Jeremy in eight grade. Hell the boy is the whole reason why I know I'm gay.

"Dude, you good? You've been acting awkward ever since, since, like almost 3 months now. You keep telling me it's nothing. But I know it's something. We've been friends for like 8 years. You can tell me," His concern was cute.

"Jeremy," I started considering if I should actually do this. I mean he's chill with my moms, so... "I'm gay."

"Bro!! That's cool!!" Jeremy kept saying things but I wasn't paying attention.

Then Junior year. Ooof that one was not so pretty. But I forgave him. 

I loved him too much to hate him. I'd been crushing on this boy since most likely the day I met him.

Then he came out to me. It was nowhere near as awkward as when I came out.

"Dude, I think I'm bi."

"Cool, cool, cool, coooooool in college." He threw a pillow at my face.

Externally I was as chill as that stupid tic tac robot wanted Jeremy to be. On the inside, I was dying. I might actually have a chance with him.

Then it was when Jeremy asked me out.

"Michael, would you like to go out with me?"

I was extatic, but I hesitated a bit. "And any voices in our heads?"

"There might be voices in our heads. But I swear the voices there will be the regular kind."

"Me and the voices in my head have made up our collective mind."

"What do they say we should do?"

"I think that all of us want to go out with you."

Christine died the next day when she found out that the lines in her fanfic actually worked to get us together.

Then when we beat level 9 of ATOD after like 3 years. That was actually shortly after we had our first kiss.

"WITH THE POWER OF GAY, WE BEAT LEVEL 9!!!!!"

"FINALLY!!!!"

And then it took us like only 2 months to beat level 10. Boy were we pissed.

After all of those flashbacks happened I started sobbing again.

Jeremy.

Jeremiah William Heere.

My one true love.

The boy that took my virginity. (Not actually tho.)

He was gone.

The boy I had loved for the better part of 13 years.

He was dead.

And it was my fault.

I should've just finished killing those shit heads.

Hell!!! I should've spent less time writing this shit down, and more time with Jeremy.

Now I'll never get to see him again.

Unless.....

No. Nope. No No No. We're not doing those kinds of thoughts again.

But, I'll never be able to hold his hand again. Even tho it was kinda annoying, Rich can't tell us to stop being gay, or tell us to stop making out.

God. He's been gone for less than a week and I'm already a disaster.

Hell!! I've already thought about offing myself.

But I can't.

I'm keeping the promise.

I will take care of them for him.

Jesus Faist Jeremy.

Why did you have to do this to us? You should've just let me die.

It would've been less painful.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I myself, the author, the dumbass birthing this shit, made myself cry like 3 times writing this chapter.


	24. 2-5-17

Jake and I have decided that we'll just stay where we are for a bit until Jeremy's death is fully processed.

I can still only half believe that he's gone.

Like, how can so much change in less than 10 minutes?

We'll just suffer through it I guess.

But I think the other gays (Chloe & Broke along with Jake & Rich) have been laying off of the gay for my sake.

Like its sweet but I don't want the fact that Jeremy died to be something that prohibits them from having nice things like gay without homophobia.

It's funny because I can write down Jeremy's name. But I can't say it without crying. Jeremy will be referred to as him in conversations now.

That honesty hurts my heart.

Granted I need to eat some Cherios. They're heart healthy. And my heart has been severely damaged.

And I'm still a virgin too. This wasn't supposed to happen.

-Michael Mell


	25. 2-14-17

I've been crying all day.

I mean, that's to be expected my boyfriend died like 3 weeks ago. ThIs would be our first Valentine's Day as a couple.

And my suspicions of the others being less gay to compensate for my loss were accurate.

I actually yelled at them for it.

"Stop not being gay because Jer- he died. Enjoy this no homophobia wasteland."

They nodded and Jake and Rich practally started fucking.

I was like "Whatever floats your boat man. Just get a room."

And I've been in the bathroom for the past 2 hours crying because my boyfriend died.

I knew the second Jeremy was bit it would hurt me. But I thought I was strong enough to take it.

I know of he was like a ghost or something he's tell me to stop having a break down and get back on my feet.

I know what we're doing right now is not even close to what he would have wanted.

Jeremy Heere, of you here reading this, I'm sorry. I truly am.

You would have wanted us to keep going. Not just spend nearly a month in the same spot.

But it just feels right.

I miss him more than words can describe.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was writing "Jer- he died." My phone was like "Jer-bear" and I was like ow.


	26. 2-18-17

I think we're gonna start moving again. Well, sooner or later. 

And knowing us, it'll be later.

But hey, Jake's been settling in nicely to having authority over this popsicle stand. God I revert to being so cringy when I'm depressed.

It's been like a month since Jeremy died.

You'd think I'd be even slightly better. But nope.

I really don't want to do anything, but we need to keep moving.

I hurt. So much.

Jeremy, I swear. Why did you have to do this. It shoulda just been me.

-Michael Mell


	27. 2-28-17

You know. February is a weird month.

Like all the other months are 30-31 days and then February just be here like "I only have 28 days but sometimes I have 29."

It's just weird man.

Moving on from my rant about February being the weird one, we've started moving again.

We're being maybe a little too cautious but we're scared.

Oh well

-Michael Mell

(Ps. that unintentionally rhymed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert more filler until the next minor plot point*
> 
> (Written on my school laptop because they block Wattpad but not AO3. In social studies class.)


	28. 3-3-17

The girls have taken it upon themselves to be my therapist. Like all of them. All four of them. They are all my therapist now.

I mean, I brought this upon myself. I was gonna do a slicey slice and they were like "bitch I think the fuck not" and now I have four unlicensed therapists that are going to help me while having no clue what they're doing.

LOGIC!!!

But the first session thingy went ok? I mean, when I was going to a real therapist it was different. But for unlicensed, most likely minorlyish depressed teenagers, it went pretty good.

This might help? Maybe not?

Jeremy's been dead for about 6 weeks now. It honestly feels really weird. Like it still hurts like hell, and it will take quite a while to heal, if at all. But hey, look at the bright side.

The bright side is that there is no bright side.

I really shouldn't think about him as much as it hurts. It just makes me more depressed. But, in one of my bouts of thinking about the boy I loved before, I realized something.

He always said he was going to "be a virgin till he died". 

He dated Christine for like 2 months after the SQUIP incident. They broke up. He was still a virgin. (I know because if they would have fucked he would've been like "MICHA I AM NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!!!")

Then like halfway through spring break he came out to me and I started falling fast again because I had a shot now. I wasn't rewriting the only chapter in my history of wrong guys for the 800th time. After Christine, he never really dated anyone but he said he liked this guy. I didn't know who it was for quite a bit of time.

Then he asked me out. We had our first date. We were together for like two months when the zombie shit started. And we were still virgins. The farthest we'd gone was making out. We never really had time for that stuff after the apocalypse started. (Unlike a set of our friends who are practically fucking each other every 5 seconds.) And then he died after we were together for almost 7 months.

So, Jeremy was right. He was a virgin till he died.

Kinda sad tbh.

And what's sadder is that I'll never get to fuck him.

God, I need help.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are lucky I came up with the "unlicensed therapist" thing. It slowed down that wonderous train by like 6-8 chapters.


	29. 3-8-17

Ok, so what's funny is that after that first we stayed at Chick-fil-a we decided never again. But guess what? We're at a Chick-fil-a again.

Why must there be Chick-fil-a like anywhere? Why does Chick-fil-a even exist? It doesn't even have good food.

I mean their nuggets are kinda ok but that's it. Chick-fil-a is just KFC for homophobes. And not the secret gay ones. Just the straight ones. 

It's been decided. We're gonna eat KFC till we die.

On a non-chicken related note, at this point I think we're paranoid as hell.

Especially Rich. It's literally:

Something: *moves*

Rich: *jumps and goes to kill it*

Like, he gon accidently kill someone. I'm calling it right now. Ok see.

That's me being paranoid as hell.

Jesus we need like idfk. Like Jesus Faist or somthing. 

-Michael Mell


	30. 3-17-17

I was feeling particularly depressed today and without the advice from my unlicensed therapists I decided to try and think of the good times with Jeremy. But the more minor ones.

After like 3 months of starting kindergarten I asked my moms if Jeremy could come over.

They smiled at each other weirdly and said he could. Seeing as I was 5 at the time, I didn't know why they did but I was too little to question it.

When he did come over, my mom's would just awkwardly stand there and watch us. While just being weird and making weird noises every time we moves closer to each other.

In 7th grade, while I was questioning my sexuality, we were making a cake during the summer. We got in a frosting fight (where you literally yeet frosting at you opponent) and after we regained whatever little bit of intelligence we had and started to clean up.

I, being the idiot I am, decided to moonwalk while cleaning and I slipped on some of the icing on the floor. Jeremy was in front of me and I fell forward.

Some how, and I don't know how the fuck not happened, we need up kissing. It was cliche as fuck, but we both got up and were like "we're not gay. No homo man. We not gay. The only man that I love, is my dad."

But in that moment I knew I was gay. Gay as hell. Everything clicked into place in one moment. And I knew, that during this whole time I was pretending to like girls, I was head over heels in gay with my best friend of 8 years at the time. It also made sence why it hurt when he said he liked Christine.

And this summer, before all of this hell, we got into another frosting fight, while baking a cake. And the same thing happened because I was still dumb as fuck.

I was moonwalking again and I slipped in icing. I landed on Jeremy and we ended up kissing. He said "full homo this time" and we started making out on the floor. With frosting literally everywhere but the cake. Like, in our hair, on our clothes, on the floor we were making out on, just everywhere.

Now, going back and rendering these things felt really good. It was reassuring to know that even though he's gone, I still had the honor of being his boyf riend and that we had all of these amazing times together. 

But the downside is that I started crying. Again. But not in the bathroom this time. I'm a manly man. I cry in the corner next to the bathroom.

But, minus the crying, I think remembering the good with Jere can help me heal. But I'm not a licensed professional. Who knows, I could be making myself more depressed.

We shall see.

-Michael Mell


	31. 3-23-17

So. Jeremy's been dead for 2 months now. And I may have lied.

I may or may not have, both are highly probable scenarios, done a slicey slice. With a pair of scissors I found a while back in the managers office of that first Chick-fil-a we were at. I stole them from one of the bags. 

The I went to the bathroom to start slicey slicing away while having a bit if a break down, and Brooke caught me.

"Oh my god!!!! Michael no!!! I know it hurts but this is not the right way to deal with it." I looked at my bloodied arm and the scissors, and back at Brooke.

She took the scissors away from me and got a good look at the 34 slices up and down, and crossing over each other on what I have dubbed the slicey slice arm. Yes. I counted how many times I slicey sliced. I know she didn't know how many there were, but I feel like it's an important detail.

Anyways, she let go of my arm and went off to get first aid supplies, taking the scissors with her knowing what I was thinking. 

When she came back she shut the door, placing the first aid kit on the toilet. 

"Ok, this is going to hurt," she grabbed some cotton balls and some rubbing alcohol. I was already bracing myself for the pain.

After telling like my arm was being eating by fire ants and shit tons of cotton balls later she finished the physically painful part and wrapping it.

I sat down in front of the bathtub and pulled my knees to my chest with my arm that wasn't on fire and burried my face into them. Brooke sat down next to me, reached out and touched my shoulder. I looked up at her with a dismal face.

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Tell me about him."

I didn't process lathe way what she wanted. "Wait what?"

"The whole time I dated him I never really knew the real him. Only what it wanted him to be. After the play, when we all became on big group, we were never really close. You were always the closest to him. Even before you two started dating. I want you to tell me about him."

"Umm..." countless memories flashed before my eyes in an instant, "what do you wanna know?"

"What was your favorite part about him?" She asked in a hushed tone.

"My favorite?" I thought for a moment or two. "As cliche as it sounds, I dont have just one."

Brooke looked at me. "Well just give me one off of your list. "

"His laugh. That laugh could take the worst day ever and turn it into a better one. Especially during this shit. There's just nothing like it in the world."

I smiled at the thought. The sound fresh in my mind as if it was happening right now.

"Anything else?"

Brook thought for a moment. "Save it for next time."

I nodded. "We should do this more often with less slicey slice and more "cute things he used to do."" I helped Brooke off the floor and we left the bathroom.

I think that is healthy remembering. It didn't kill my heart even more than it all ready has been murdered.

Either way, progress.

-Michael Mell


	32. 3-30-17

Remember how I said we were really paranoid? Well adrenalin fucking yeeted that out the window.

We had a bit of a scare when some random zombie came out of no where and practally ate us. Which made adrenalin start flowing. Which apparently means yeet all caution to the wind and nearly die according to Rich.

He pushed ahead, despite Jake trying to get through to him, and got jump scared again while nearly dying. He probably would've died if Jake hasn't run after him to shoot the thing before it could get Rich.

Which is good. We're not ready to handle another major death yet. I've hardly begun to get better, Christine has hardly said a word since it happened. And she still isn't talking. 

Imagine another death!!! With a simple blow that Jeremy had on me with Jake!!! That means two depressed leaders, who now can't help anyone because they themselves need help!!

Anyways, I can hear Jake and Rich yelling at each other. Probably similar lectures to the ones I used to give Jeremy. You know the ones. The ones where I called him out for his bullshit and how I don't need him to die on me.

Amyways, there parallels between me with Jere and Jake with Rich are starting to scare me. Before it was like "OMG!!! You guys act so similar as a couple." Only main difference is that Rich and Jake have fucked each other and Jeremy and I never got to that.

I'll have to point out my concerns to Jake. Just as a precaution.

No need for unessicary death. 

-Michael Mell


	33. 4-1-17

Instead of April Fools Day, we're had "try a team-building activity again because we're all depressed as shit and they used to help stab depression." It kinda worked actually.

We, Jake and I, decided to try the music thing again. So, Helpless came on. Rich and Jake looked at me like I was going to stop them and I nodded.

Rich sang Eliza's part and Jake sang Alex's. I did Angelica's one line and everyone else became the ensemble. It was actually really fun. This went on for like 20 songs from a variety of musicals. Then it came back to Hamilton with Say No To This.

Jenna stood up to do Burr's part.

"There's nothing like summer in the city. Someone under stress meets someone looking pretty. There's trouble in the air you can smell it." She fanned her nose. "And Jake is by himself. I'll let him tell it."

Jake stood up and Jenna sat down. "I hadn't slept in a week, I was weak, I was awake, you've never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break. Longing for Michael, missing my husband," He winked at Rich. "And that's when Miss. Chloe Valentine walked into my life. She said:"

Chloe was a little shocked but still came in on time. "I know you are a man of honor, I'm so sorry to bother you at home, but I don't know where to go, and I came here all alone."

"She said:"

"My wife's been doing me wrong, beating me, cheating me, mistreating me, suddenly she's up and gone, I don't have the means to go on~!" How Chloe was so good at the Maria Reynold's voice (tm) was beyond me.

"And so I offered her a loan, I offered to walk her home, she said:"

"You're too kind sir."

"I gave her 80 bucks that I had stocked away, she lived a block away, she said:"

"This one's mine sir," Chloe pointed to her sleeping bag on the floor.

"Then I said: Well I should head back home. She turned red, she lead me to her bed let her arms spread and said:"

Chloe took the hint that what actually happed in Say No To This wouldn't be demonstrated and T posed. "Stay~!"

Jake acted incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. While giving her finger guns he backed away slightly and continued. "Hey..."

"Hey~!"

He turned his back to Chloe "And that's when I began to pray," he did the gay face hiding thingy, "Lord, show me how to say no to this. I don't know how to say no to this," He looked over his shoulder. "But my god, she looks so helpless, and her stance is saying hell yes."

"Woah~!"

"Lord, show me how to say no to this. I don't know how to say no to this. In my mind, I'm trying go."

Everyone else, myself and Christine surprisingly, came in with "Go, go, go."

Jake T posed at that point as well as grabbing Chloe's hand while the both of them were still T posing "And her hand is in mine and I don't say-" 

"No. NO!! Say no to this! No. NO!! Say no to this! No. NO!! Say no to this! No. NO!! Say no to this!"

As we were chanting that Chloe and Jake were awkwardly moving in a circle while T posing.

Jake let go of Chloe's hand. "I wish I could say that was the last time. I said that last time. It became a pass time. A month into this endeavor I received a letter from a Mrs. Brooke Lohst. Even better. It said:"

Broke stood up and walked onto what, I guess, was now the stage. "Dear sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health. And in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me. Down on their luck. Because you see, that was my wife who you decided to-"

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"

"Uh oh. You made the wrong sucker a cuckold, so time to pay the piper for the pants you unbuckled. And hey, you can keep seeing my whore wife if the price is right." Brooke chuckled darkly. "If not I'm telling your mans."

"I hid the letter and I raced to her place, screamed 'HOW COULD YOU?' in her face she said"

"No, sir!"

Jake rolled his eyes and gestured to Chloe's outfit. "Ripped clothes, apologetic, a mess, she looked pathetic. She cried:"

"PLEASE DON'T GO SIR!!!"

Jake started to pace back and forth, running his fingers through his hair. "So was your whole story a setup?"

"I don't know about any letter!"

Jake stopped pacing and running his hands through his hair. "STOP CRYING GODDAMNIT!!! GET UP!!!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!"

He started pacing again. "I AM RUINED!!"

"Please don't leave me I am helpless! (I am helpless!)"

"How could I do this?!?!"

"Just give her what she wants and you can have me!!"

"I don't want you!"

"Whatever she wants!"

"I DON'T WHAT YOU!!"

"If you pay,"

"I don't-"

"YOU CAN STAYYYYY~!" Chloe slowly started to resume her T pose from earlier in the song.

"Lord, show me how to say no to this! I (I~!) don't know how to say no to this!" 

Jake looked like he regretted his life's choices and T posed again. "But the situation's helpless (Helpless~!) And her stance is screaming hell yas!"

"Whoa~!"

"Lord, show me how to say no to this."

Chloe joined Jake on the next line "HOW can I say no to this?"

"There is nowhere I can go!"

We whisper-shouted "Go go go" through laughter.

"Her hand warps around mine and I don say,"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes~!"

"Say no to this!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes~!"

"Say no to this!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes~!""Say no to this!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes~!"

"Say no to this. I,"

"Don't say no to this."

At this point, I was regretting letting this happen, but everyone looked really happy so...

"Go, Go, Go" snapped me out of that train of thought.

"So?" Brooke asked.

Jake looked at Rich hella guilty. You could tell these childs were in theater.

Jake walked over and handed a slip of paper to Brooke. "Nobody needs to know."

We all broke out in laughter after the song ended.

This was the first time since Jere had died that we'd just sat down as a group and have a good laugh.

And yes. I had to write down all of Say No To This. You never know what happens if someone finds and reads this in like 3085 and they don't have Hamilton. At that point, the show would be over a thousand years old!!

Anyways, today was a lot of fun. Say No To This with T posing is now a thing and it's great.

-Michael Mell


	34. 4-6-17

At this point, my depression is doing what-the-fuck-ever it wants. Like I was fine and having an amazing time with my friends while they were singing Say No To This while T Posing. And today I was having a breakdown. The only difference between the breakdown I had like a week ago is that this time there was no slicey slice or Brooke involved. 

I was practically crying when Christine noticed and took me aside to what probably was the manager's office and we sat down on the floor.

"Michael, what's wrong?" The first words she's said directly to someone in over 2 months were to ask me what was wrong. I felt like I didn't deserve it.

"I- it's just- I-," I couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"It's him isn't it?"

"I- y-yeah. I don't understand why there are days where I can almost say his name and then there are days like today where I can hardly think about him without wanting to yeet myself into the void?" I absent-mindedly asked staring at the ceiling.

"I ask myself that every day," She laughed dryly.

"Christine?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened that day after I gave you the all-clear?"

I think Christine found the ceiling very interesting as well. "He weakly smiled at me and asked 'This is it. Isn't it?' I was still crying and managed out a yeah. I hugged him and said that it was a good thing that he got to spend the past few months with you over me and we kinda laughed about that,"

I smiled a little bit. How terrible would it be if he was still with Christine that day? I shuddered at the thought while she continued.

"I lifted up the gun a bit and was kinda just like 'I still have to do this don't I?' He was like 'yeah, but you signed up for it. I lightly hit his arm and then he offered something that I never thought he would."

"What was it?"

"He told me to give him the gun and he would do it," Christine was barely audible at that point.

"Did you give it to him?"

"Yeah. He told me to turn around and plug my ears. I ran ahead a bit and did as he instructed. Then the shot went off and I went back to get the gun. I averted my eyes. I couldn't look at him," she was starting to get choked up, I mean, I was too but...

"Now that I think about it, he told me something else too."

"And that was?"

"He said, and it still gives me chills, 'I know this is going to be hard. Especially on Micha. Do me a favor and if the two of you are ever in the bathroom because he was, well, slicey slicing or whatever it was, can you tell him the story of how you figured out I was in love with him and how you had to convince me I was because I was so heavily refusing it?'"

I was kinda shocked. "Did he say why he wanted you to tell me?"

"When I asked him why he simply said if he were to propose, or at your wedding he would tell you that story. He said that he would never have the chance now."

I almost started crying.

"That story was one fun time my dude." She started to remember what happened. "Like 2 months after we broke up he was hanging out with me, Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna. He had started to go off about you for like the 800th time and Chloe asked why he talked about you so much. He simply said that it was because he was your best friend. Then Jenna flat out asked if he was gay." 

She laughed a little bit. "That fucking oblivious child couldn't put two and two together about why Jenna was even asking and he was just like 'I'm bi. Why?' As we had started to internally fangirl screech. I asked him if he liked you. He looked at me like I was crazy and was like 'he's my best friend of 12 years and I'm not gay for him, Christine you're crazy,'" She mocked him in this weird voice. Like the one you would use when you're mocking someone and your trying to make them sound stupid.

"I promise you, we tried every. fucking. T H I N G. to get that child to realize he liked you. We tried so hard and he was so goddamn stubborn. But the day we finally got through to him, he knew, we knew, that we'd won. We were like YOU SEE JEREMY DUMBASS!!! Y O U L I K E H I M!!! But of course, he was stubborn as hell, I mean, you should know that fact better than the rest of us."

It was comforting to see bits of the old, perky, Christine peaking through.

"Anyways, it especially turned into an I Won't Say I'm In Love scenario. And by that I mean we literally sang I Won't Say I'm In Love. You could tell he was thinking about cutting off the last line. When he finally gave in and was like 'At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.' we went apeshit."

I smiled and laughed at the thought of that whole scene. That is definitely something Jeremy would've done.

"Then the really hard part came. Actually convincing him to ask you out. Even then he didn't tell us he was doing it until probably an hour or so before he asked you. And even then he just asked us for advice."

I smiled at the memory. "He fucking asked me for advice Chrisy. He asked me how to ask myself out without asking me out in that moment. I was legit really hurt cause he was like 'you dude, imma ask this mans out. How do you ask a mans out?' Then he used your fanfic line and I knew where it was going." 

"He loved you a lot, Michael. None of this is your fault. If he could, you know he would tell you that."

I thought for a bit. "You know, he thought you were awesome."

Christine smiled at the reference "he thought I was awesome? My ex?"

"Defiantly."

"How?"

"Well, he said that we used to sing this song to each other and imma cry if we keep going so how bout we stop?"

She laughed "Yeah, it would hurt my soul too."

Honestly today was an emotional roller coaster. I loved though. I helped Christine which is good. We had a nice conversation. I found out what happened to my dead boyfriend.

Pretty ok end to the day's adventures. 

I still have to bring up the how similar he and Rich are to the way Jere and I were and then he died a rather selfless death to save me. I still can't stop thinking it should've been me. It wouldn't be as much as a blow if I died than Jere dying. But what can you do? Go back in time and tell yourself that you'll regret everything if you don't finish stabbing some sluts?

Ok I need to stop. And sleep. And food tbh. I need to send Chloe and Brooke on a food hunt again.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My paragraphs are getting longer, my chapters have been longer (2 1k+ chapters in a row), and my ideas are flowing for once. Yeet


	35. 4-11-17

So Brooke's sick now. Lovely. Like I said before, we've started to run low in food so I decided I'd just go with Chloe to find something.

I didn't expect to have a bonding moment with Chloe, but it happens. I'm not complaining.

So we were looking for food right? And we had found a CVS. We went inside and started grabbing any food item that didn't look expired and walked out. I noticed that there was an arcade across the street.

Chloe got a hit as to what I was thinking and we walked in the place. For an arcade in a post-apocalyptic universe, it was actually pretty well kept. I looked at what games the joint had. Mostly retro ones if anyone was curious. 

I walked past the Mario Brothers machine and my eyes landed on Donkey Kong one.

"Can I just like, tangent for a hot sec?"

"I think that's why we're here but sure."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Whatever, anyway, I remember the first time that we decided to stray from Pac-Man we decided on Donkey Kong and it was the one game that he was better at me than at."

"What? What is 'better than me than at' supposed to mean?" She air quoted.

"I can't admit that he succeeded at defeating me at a game." I maneged to get out without spouting some weird English that didn't make sence.

She looked at me and started laughing. "JEREMY HEERE BEAT THE MICHAEL MELL AT DONKEY KONG??? OMG I CAN'T!!!!!!!" I smiled weakly. "Oh shit. Oh my shit Micha I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. And-"

I cut her off. "Chloe it's fine. Today was one of the good days. That's why I'm telling you this. Good days are the ones where I can think about the good times without crying and instantly feeling terrible."

"Oh well, he never did beat you at Pac-man did he?"

"Bow down to the king of Pac-man bitch."

We laughed at my dumb joke and went back to camp. Today was actually a pretty good day.

-Michael Mell


	36. 4-20-17

4-20 BLAZE IT!!!!!!

Anyways.

I've been really stressed for quite a bit actually. Rich took notice and he asked if I wanted to blow some steam on the roof of whatever current camp was. I said yes because what else did I have to do? We did have a very interesting discussion about kisses.

It started really weirdly he just sorta out of nowhere was like "you know that making out burns quite a few calories?" (I'm not writing his lisp. Too much work that I'm not willing to put into this journal/diary/thing/whatever the fuck it is.)

I looked at him and said "Look man, just because Jake cheated with Chloe doesn't mean that you need to cheat too."

"No imma give that bitch a taste of his own medicine. Comere gay man." He leaned in like he was going to kiss me, pulled away and started laughing. "YOUR FACE THO!!! OH MY GOD I CAN'T!!!"

I socked him in the arm and we laughed a bit.

Because Rich is Rich it didn't take too long for him to get personal. "Look, I know you never fucked him, and that he never fucked you, but how far did you two get? I've always wondered."

"Why must you wonder about those things? Why not important things like how to not die?" I looked over at him and he looked serious about this topic. "To answer your question. The farthest we got was shirtless making out."

"Damn that's farther than I thought."

I ignored his comment that was mostly made to himself.

"Look, I know your so hopelessly in gay with Jake, I know you two have fucked. Several times. But what was your first kiss like?"

Rich laughed to himself. "In short, awkward. We'd both kissed girls, but neither of us had kissed a dude. We were kinda just like 'umm what do I do?'"

"Did you figure it out?"

"I just told myself to pretend I was kissing a girl, but better. It ended up working and so I kissed him and ran off like a cliche anime or something."

I looked at him out of the corner if my eye. "Dude, that's the nicest thing I think any of us have said about guys. Men suck."

Rich thought about how he was going to word his sentence. "Yeah but-"

"No I get it. You just have to find the one."

"Yeah, pretty much. What was your first kiss like?"

I thought for a moment. "Like after he asked me out or before?"

"Wait, there's a before?" He thought for a moment, "I want both."

I told him the tale of the "No homo but I just realised I want all of the homos" kiss that came about from the frosting fight in seventh grade.

"Wow. You two were dumb as fuck."

"Shut up so I can story you. Anyways, we were having a nice night in, my parents weren't home, and we were watching Love, Simon. After the movie was over he was acting kinda nervous. I asked him what was up and he was just like 'can I kiss you?' and I was like go a head. He kissed me for real and it was just nice. Then we beat level 9 of Apocolypse Of The Damned with the power of gay."

"That sounds really nice man." This was the most chill I'd ever seen Rich since I'd ever known him.

"Rich you wanna know what the worst part about today is?"

"What?"

"Its 4-20 and we don't have any drugs to smoke."

"Aww shit fam. You rite."

Honestly that was the single weirdest conversation I'd ever had before. But I mean, it was about gay. It's fine.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Minor spoilers in this A/N you have been warned.)
> 
> This is my way of making this story fluffier. Sorry for the wait for this really dumb thing. I was kinda struggling with the wording. (Perfectionist over heere)
> 
> Anyways, I have 3 chapters in line. That's the farthest a head I've ever been. At least individual chapter wise.
> 
> Enough of me rambling. This is the part where I tell you where the train is at.
> 
> Close to it's next stop to deathvill.


	37. 4-24-17

So, I was thinking about the legendary Pac-man tattoos and how they came to be. Along with all the poor collage students we must've scared. Legit we actually got kicked out once because we were so loud. And we became known to all the arcades in the area.

There was this one time when, well actually several times, where Jere and I got really into Pac-man. We would banshee screech in the corner at the machine and at each other. The staff would cone back and be like "Its just a game kids, you don't need to scream." And we would just be like "so you wish to McFucking die?" And they would be like "no. Not particularly." and we would go "then shut up and leave us to our own devices bitch."

This happened quite a lot actually. They had signs warning the arcade staff about us. It was something like "Bewear of two teenagers. They will come randomly with no schedule and scream for hours." When we got together the signs were changed to gay teens. And they added "they got together. They won't fuck in the corner but they scream more."

Which is true. I would fuck Jeremy up in Pac-man all the time by flirting/flustering him. Our screeching became a lot of "you cheated" after that.

But we got the Pac-man tattoos freshman year. Hurt like a bitch. Jeremy just about cried. But they're great. 

That was a fun story that I'm never telling anyone again.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is so I stop neglecting/forgetting about them a good reason to kill a character? Probably.


	38. 4-29-17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait.

So my sleeping bag broke last night. I had to sleep on the ground. Now I'm sore as hell and Rich's dirty jokes at my expense are not as funny as they normally are. (They're funny in the first place because I make jokes at my own expense.)

I was complaing about how "My everything is sore Jake. Every. Fucking. Thing." I'm not a morning person so like fuck you morning people but mornings suck. They suck moRE WHEN YOU HAD TO SLEEP ON THE COLD HARD EARTH!!! 

Then Rich was like "Your everything Michael? You sure you really mean everything?"

And I told him that I needed him to shut the fuck up because the adults were talking.

I need like actual sleep and coffee. That's what I really need.

God help and forgive me.

Wait. Is the reason why I'm suffering so much because of how much Jesus x Judas fic I read and I was like, exposing JC or somthing?

I need sleep before I start question if I'm a chilli pepper again.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit. I make you wait and then this is all you get. I am so sorry. But I don't feel like writing confrontation. Or depresso espresso. Or slicey slice. Or death. Or angst or people bringing sad. Even tho I have a kick ass line for a pared where everyone's depressed later down the line.
> 
> This is all because I killed Jeremy isn't it?  
> Michael's gonna stalk the others being cute together now because we need to fluff this story up without Michael and *insert character heere* having a moment where Michael rembers Jeremy and it's not supper sad. It's just bitter sweet.
> 
> Why is this so long?


	39. 5-4-17

Finally brought up the similarities thing with Jake. (Took me for-fucking-EVER)

I told Rich that I needed to steal his mans for a hot second and dragged Jake off. Jake, like a normal person, asked me where was I taking him. I told him I was about to change his life. He took the hint and just silently followed.

Once we made it to a secluded area (aka the bathroom) I was like "I don't know if you noticed, but the way you and Rich are acting is kinda like the way me and Jeremy were before he, you know, and I don't want you to hurt in the same way I've been hurting."

He looked at me shocked. "Did you just-"

"It's serious talk time, I've been better, it's about time I say his name again."

He looked away taking in my words. "I mean you're not wrong... I'll have to talk to him about it."

I half heartedly smiled at him. "It's a lot. But I don't thing two depressed people in charge would be good and you and Rich are quite the entertaining couple."

So it wasn't shit. I don't blame him for being taken off guard. I mean, the really depressed guy in charge just told you that the way you and your boyfriend were acting was similar to the way he and his boyfriend did before his boyfriend died. It's a lot to take in.

I do home Rich and Jake don't end up like how Jeremy and I did.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long. But plot! The next chapter fluffier and then the abfat train will be heere soon. Michael's getting better ish. So umm? Worth the wait?
> 
> (Who am I kidding it wasn't)


	40. 5-12-17

So Chloe sent me and the boys to go get more period shit because they need it and it reminded me of the first time they were sent on a period shit run.

It was like end of May or early June, this picture-perfect afternoon we shared. (Legit not just saying that because For Forever is like one of the greatest DEH songs. It was a beautiful afternoon.)

Granted, I'm probably not the most qualified to talk about beautiful afternoons. I was always inside playing video games. Not the most healthy, but I mean, who goes outside to go outside anymore? Answer: no one in their right minds. So just pretend birds were being birds and there was an ice cream truck or some shit like that.

Anyways, Christine was on her period and was like "oh shit. I don't have period shit."

Chloe was like "Jake, Jeremy, Rich go get the goods."

I was like "no I'll do it." And Chloe told me it was an educational experience for them. So we let them go.

Not even like 5 minuets later the texts started coming in. From Jake first and in our group chat. 

Something like:

Fuck You We're Juniors: yo why are tampons so expensive

And Christine was like:

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: I'll pay you back just gut the goods

Fuck You We're Juniors: no it's just that

Fuck You We're Juniors: you don't chose to have your period

Fuck You We're Juniors: you have to have it

Fuck You We're Juniors: and you have to pay so much

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: not the time for preaching Jake

And then later from Rich:

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: what do we get?

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: doesn't matter just get like a mini size

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: ok

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: omg there r so many

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: I know

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: how many different versions does a woman need?

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: every vagina is different

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: don't discriminate 

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: im not its just

I Will Steal You Kneecaps: SO MANY

Legit Chloe was regreting telling me I couldn't come and it was the funniest thing. Oh yeah, and then Jeremy was like:

Heere and Queer: wait how many do you need?

Heere and Queer: there are packs with like 100

Heere and Queer: do you need that many?

Heere and Queer: actually holy shit there are packs with more

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: dude I don't need that many. Just get a normal one with like 20 or something.

Heere and Queer: don't you need more? There's like a lot of blood

Christine was over the three of them at that point

You Have Summoned The Theater Geek: I KNOW HOW MUCH BLOOD THERE IS JUST GET A NORMAL PACK JESUS!!!!

I told her that I'd just go get them

I Drank The Tap Water: just stay where you are

I Drank The Tap Water: I'll be there in like 5

Yeah. They were very dysfunctional. And they were the ones into girls.

I will never understand being attracted to women.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a Tumblr blog for this fic btw. @bmc-level-10-fic. I run it and yeah. You should go follow it for like updates and shit.


	41. 5-18-17

Words cannot even describe what the fuck today was.

I woke up to go get ready for my shit with Jenna. She wasn't in her sleeping bag and she wasn't like anywhere else. I told everyone that she was missing and that we needed to go looking for her.

We looked in every fucking room of that goddamn building.

No Jenna.

We knew we had to start looking outside and armed ourselves. Not even 5 minuets into our search some hoe jumped us. Brooke stabbed the slut and wiped the blood on her pants.

Jake said that we should keep looked, before I agreed I just so happened to glance at the zombie's face. I felt the color drain from mine.

Various "Michael you good fam"s came from the others.

I simply said "Guys we don't need to look for Jenna anymore."

The girls' eyes widened. Brooke looked like she was aboit to throw up. 

Rich hadn't gotten the hint and was like "What why? Did you-" his eyes landed on Jenna's corpse that was now beeding out at the neck. "Oh shit."

I can't keep doing this anymore.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry.


	42. 5-23-17

I had a thought.

None of this is real. I'm just in a coma. I was in like a car crash or something. And none of this is real. I'll wake up and Jeremy will be there and he'll kiss me and all will be good. Jenna will be alive and well. None of this hurt will have happened.

Either that or the universe is targeting us.

Probably the ladder.

My god life sucks.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in Social Studies again.
> 
> No one likes this man's class.


	43. 5-30-17

We have found the single most cutest thing ever, and honestly it's a bit if a pick me up from Jenna's death.

A goose.

A screeching bastard goose.

A screeching bastard goose we named Cooper for whatever reason. We put a rainbow ribbon on him. He's a gay goose now.

How we found Cooper the screeching bastard gay goose is an interesting story.

We were walking along and being depressed as we do. Then we noticed a goose. A goose that was trying to steal our shit. Christine chased it away. 

And if came back. So I picked it up and said "This is our holy bastard goose savior."

They looked at me like I was insane and maybe I was. Books said she wabted to name it. We looked at her a waiting the name of our holy goose savior.

"Cooper the bastard screeching goose."

And then she took a rainbow ribbon and our it on Cooper.

"He is now Cooper the bastard screeching gay goose."

We did let Cooper go but who knows we might find him again.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about just the random sentence. I was doing my friend an expert and I didn't copy the chapter from Wattpad. Oops.


	44. 6-1-17

I am going to be the first to say it but, Chloe and Brooke are legit the best ship in the SQUIP Squad. Why do I bring this up?

Brooke has been rather shaken up since Jenna's death. I was going to get the two of them for their hard shit and I heard the following conversation take place.

"Chloe what if one if us are next on this death train ride thing? I can't loose you!!! And God knows that you would be just as bad if not worse than I am. And-"

Now, I wasn't standing in the doorway so I have no clue what Chloe did to stop Brooke's rambling, but I can only assume she kissed her.

Anyways the Chloe was like "Brooke, nither of us are going to be 'next'", you could just hear the air quotes around the word, "There isn't even going to be a next. I promise you."

"Yeah but what about the promise that Jer-." (Ow thanks Brooke)

"Not his fault. He was also an idiot." (Not that far from the truth) "Neither of us are that stupid."

"I mean I-"

"Brooke!"

"I mean, you're right. I'm being ridiculous."

There was, I guess, a loving tension?

Then Brooke said she was tired and climbed on top of Chloe and fell asleep.

I know that because then I walking into view. I told Chloe that I'd just take their shift woth Christine. She wasn't sleeping anyways.

But yeah. Good gay.

-Michael Mell


	45. 6-7-17

I just had the worse dream ever.

I was back to before Jeremy died. Like that same day. At the part where he asked "You ready Micha?"

"As I'll ever be." I responded.

We went into the horde and started stabbing shit. 

I'd had a dream like this before and I had a hunch how it was going to end and I hated it.

But instead of him getting bitten by sticking his arm out to stop me from getting bitten, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder.

This time it was different.

Jeremy looked at me with most likely the same look I gave him when he got bitten. We finished killing the fucks and then it went in a similar fashion to what happened when Jeremy died. Although Rich offered to do the deed.

I woke up the moment the gun went off in the dream, and in real life apparently. Probably something that was coming at Chloe and Brooke.

In The end I had a mini slient breakdown in the corner. God I need help.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dudes imma hot wreck right now. I was just aboit down with this chapter but I don't think there will be very many updates in the next couple of days. Don't hate me. But I do have a fluffy Boyf Riends, Richjake and Pinkberry book coming. It's a text fic with no plot. 
> 
> Don't hate me.


	46. 6-13-17

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! COOPER THE BASTARD SCREECHING GAY GOOSE CAME BACK!!!!!

You know, now that I think about it, the amount of worship we have put into the bastard screeching gay goose is not healthy.

When we first noticed Cooper came back we were all like "Omg Cooper is god." Then Chloe pointed out how there was a Heathers reference that should be made. At the mention of a Heathers reference, Christine started screeching "HE CAN START AND FINISH WARS!!! HE'S WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS!!! HE'S THE ASTEROID THAT'S OVERDUE!!!! THE DINOSAURS CHOKED ON THE DUST!!! THEY'LL DIE BECAUSE HE SAYS THEY MUST!!! THE NEW WORD NEEDED ROOM FOR HIS AUTHORITY!!!! Our Cooper is god."

We all laughed about it and then Jake said that our savior would never die. Rich said that he'd live on for forever. I guess they silently agreed that they were going to make Christine burst out into song as often as possible.

Then Christine like "AND THERE HE GOES RACING TOWARDS THE TALLEST TREE!! FROM FAR ACROSS THE YELLOW FIELDS WE HEAR HIM SCREECHING GOOSE NOISES!!! AND THERE HE GOES WONDERING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A TREE!!! YOU PUT HIM INTO A CARRIER!!! YOU TAKE HIM HIGHER AND HIGHER!!!! YOU TAKE HIM TILL THE ENTIRE SUN SHINES ON HIS FACE!!!!! AND THE YOU TWO NEVER FEEL THE BRANCH GIVE WAY!!! YOU CLIMB BACK DOWN!!! HE WADDLES AWAY!!! YOU LOOK AROUND AND YOU SEE HIM COME WITH THE GOOD GAY!!! HE'S COME WITH THE GOOD GAY!!!! AND EVERYTHING'S OK!!!!"

I started cry laughing. "I hate to do this, but you said waddle, and.... A GOOSE WALKED UP TO A LEMONADE STAND AND HE SAID TO THE MAN, RUNNING THE STAND HEY, BUM BUM BUM, GOT ANY GAYS??? THE MAN SAID N O WE JUST SELL LEMONADE BUT IT'S COLD AND ITS f r e s h AND ITS ALL HOMEMADE, CAN I GET YOU GLASS? I'LL PASS AND HE WADDLED AWAY WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE AND HE WADDLED AWAY WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE AND HE WADDLED AWAY WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE TILL THE VERY NEXT DAY BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM!!!"

This is why we can't have nice things like a bastard screeching gay goose savior.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet the gay goose is back
> 
> credit to Cats_And_Potatos for the goose song


	47. 6-18-17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait my dudes.

At this point Cooper is like my only source of happiness. No I will not stalk my friends being gay because I'm sad as hell. 

We found some sorta convince esque store that sold dinosaur chicken nuggets for some odd reason. But either way, they weren't bad. The freezer looked like it hadn't been opened since before the apocalypse shit started. So we took them.

That was a yesterday. (Insulated bags are gods gift to man in these trying times.)

Then today as we were making the dino nuggets to feast, we heard a rather familiar waddle and screech.

Our gay goose god was back.

Legit he might be following us. If we get confirmation of that we are keeping him as a pet. No questions asked. Jeremy left me in charge to completely fail at passing this level.

To the person in like 5420 reading this: you must have thought I was going to stop being cripplingly depressed. BoY WERE YOU WRONG!

So I may be losing my sanity. But that's not the important part. That was just a side tangent.

Anyways, we fed him dino nuggets and it was the cutest thing ever. Like. I wants to keeps him. Plz. Let him be following us. I want a godly baster screeching gay goose named Cooper as a pet.

Ok like. R.I.P to my mental state.

(Depressions a bitch kill me know ha ha)

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're heere, we're queer, Jeremy's still dead, Michael's mental state is deteriorating, and the bastard screeching gay goose god is the only one holding things together.
> 
> Lovely.


	48. 6-29-17

Remember how like a week ago I was happy? Well, you can just yeet that out a window.

Today one year ago Jeremy Heere asked me to be his. And I, Michael Mell, agreed. That was probably the happiest I have ever been in a while. We were happy. I never wanted to give that up. I knew at the time that I would never be able to let that go.

We were together for exactly 2 months and 3 days the day this zombie shit started.

He died nearly 5 months later. We had been together for almost 7.

While yes our bastard screeching gay goose god has been a source of serotonin, nothing can ever compare to Jeremy's laugh. Or just Jeremy in general. 

I was rereading some of the earlier entries in this journal. It's almost laughable how much of a downhill spiral this has become in the time that has passed. He's been dead for about 5 months.

Oh shit, I just realized that this zombie apocalypse shit has been going on for just about 10 months now. Wow. Practically a year of this shit. Compared to how they do in zombie apocalypse movies and in zombie apocalypse AU fics we're doing really well. Only 2 deaths.

Anyways. Yeah, the first few entries were kinda grim. And by kinda I mean really grim. But 5 entries in (9-30-16) I start with "There are times where I honestly question Jeremy's intelligence/sanity. And there are times where I know I don't have to worry." In that entry, I go on about the first of Jere's team building activities. "What can we do once we get to Ottowa?" "Drink maple syrup."

And then like a month later (10-27-16), there was UMOTSS.

The first time I brought up the ice (11-5-16).

And just a lot of good times. Like. If there is anyone reading this (if anything probably my future self) go back and reread some of the earlier ones and the ones I pointed out. You can really see the difference in everyone. I mean, my mental state was rather ok. Now it's just doing what-the-fuck-ever it wants. Jake and Rich casually trying to get into each other's pants. I don't think I mentioned much of Chloe and Brooke at that time.

I've been crying on and off today. The others have backed off a bit. I miss him so much. It's like there's a hole in my heart that Jeremy filled once upon a time. Holy fuck this sounds like I just went through the worst break up in history and not like he died.

Other than that I guess I should make an update on what's been going on. I mean, nothing too exciting I guess. Brooke and Chloe were being cute again. Christine was having a blast and stealing the show last time we did the singing thing. And by that I mean no one else was allowed to sing. I do believe Jake's gotten through to Rich. Although he still is extremely jumpy. It might just be me but I think he's getting worse. This could end up being a safety concern.

I don't wanna say it will be fine because at this point it won't all be fine and we were all screwed from the beginning. We should've just stayed in Rich's bunker, run out of food, and either died of starvation, eaten each other, or self oofed. We probably would've been better off that way. 

Instead, now I'm still trying to mourn my boyfriend and lead at the same time while trying to not give in to the temptation of suicide. Brooke is struggling with the guilt she feels from Jenna's death. Everyone's paranoid. The universe is fucking ending. AND THE ONE GODDAMN THING HOLDING OUR TEAM FROM FALLING INTO SEVERE DEPRESSION AND A SUICIDE PANDEMIC ARE OCCASIONAL APPEARANCES FROM A FUCKING GOOSE THAT WE PUT A RIBBON ON THAT WE HAVE DECLARED IS A GOD!!!! WE'RE FUCKING LOSING OUR MINDS!!!

So no. I can't say it's fine. It's quite the opposite in fact. Nothing is fine. It's all falling into ruin. With the way the universe has been shitting on us endlessly watch someone else be dead in the next month!! LET'S JUST FLING SOME MORE DEATH ONTO THE LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG!

Actually correction. The universe isn't shitting on us as the SQUIP Squad. It's shitting on me in particular. I mean:

1\. My best friend of 12 years at the time (and love interest) abandons me for some stupid computer thing and to be cool.

2\. He gets the girl of his dreams and starts spending more time with her than with me. (That's me being a little selfish but he was mine (not romantically) for 12 years. I didn't like this sudden change)

3\. We finally get together and I can actually call him mine and love him and kiss him and shit and then the world starts to end.

4\. We're making it work and still being lovey-dovey with each other and he fucking dies.

5\. Depression falls on me and my whole friend group.

6\. I start cutting again.

7\. Jenna dies

8\. Brooke feels beyond guilty.

9\. ThE wOrLd KeEpS fUcKiNg BuRnInG

So yeah. That's life I guess.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back bitches! I have 2 more chapters that should be out soon. Umm... don't hate me for one of them.
> 
> The angst train is almost at it's next stop.
> 
> But how are you this fine day in the middle of the Corona ooh na na pandemic?
> 
> I do write non angst so check that out if you want to.


	49. 7-4-17

How do a bunch of depressed theater geeks celebrate the 4th of July during the zombie apocalypse?

tHe wOrLd tUrNeD uPsIdEdOwN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah we literally just screeched Yorktown like all day. My throat hurts now.

HuRcUlEs MuLlaGiN!!!

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realised that the next chapter was too far out from the last one so I just added this short nonsense.


	50. 7-17-17

So I was thinking. At this point me thinking isn't a good thing. It either leads to a depressive episode, a panic attack, or a crackheaded thought. But I was thinking none the less. It was a crackheaded thought so it's fine.

My thought was what if someone in much later times, like 3085 or something, finds this and is trying to figure out what life was like during the American zombie apocalypse or something like that and they think that I'm straight and Jeremy was just a very close best friend. I mean, historians do that now. *cough cough* Hamilton and Laurens were gay for each other. GAY, I TELL YOU *cough cough* And Sapho and Her friend is or was? I have no clue what the rest of the world is like right now. Either way, it's a subreddit. Or what if they think my friends are straight? So, for that purpose.

I, MICHAEL GEORGE MELL, AM A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL!!! MEN EXCITE ME SEXUALLY!! ONLY MEN!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUSED BY A WOMAN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

MY BOYFRIEND (My male lover.)/BOYF RIEND (My male lover but this is an inside joke in our friend group) WAS JEREMY HEERE BEFORE HE DIED!!

WE WERE NOT PLATONIC LOVERS!!! WE WERE GAY (as in attracted to the same gender not as in happy) AS HELL!!!

WE DID ALL THE ROMANTIC THINGS STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO WITH EACH OTHER!!! LIKE KISS, MAKE OUT, AND GO ON DATES!!! ALL OF THIS WAS DONE ROMANTICALLY!!! NOT PLATONICALLY!!! WE WERE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED!!!

If that doesn't work then this probably didn't get sexual enough.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I stalling? Yes.
> 
> Do you get to know why I'm stalling? Not until (hopefully) next chapter.
> 
> I only wrote this because I would forget to do this chapter so I just did it now.


	51. 7-24-17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gets very bloody and mildly gory. Viewer discretion is advised.

I don't even know where to begin. The dumpster fire that is my life just keeps getting worse.

Remember when I said Rich being jumpy might end up being a safety concern?

It ended up being a safety concern.

The fatal kind.

I- I can't anymore. I really can't. Like this whole thing has gone to complete shit after Jere died. Like.

You know what moving on.

Brooke is fucking dead. I told her to go get Rich for his and Jake's guard shift. He was doing something with his gun and she startled him. He must've thought it was a zombie or something because guess what?

RICH FUCKING SHOT BROOKE!!!

We heard the gunshot and Brooke scream and the rest of us came running to see Brooke bleeding out. Christine threw up and just about passed out.

I just about did too. The blood. Holy shit. There was just so much blood. All over her clothes and the floor. Such a deep shade of red. It would've been really pretty if it wasn't leaking out obsessively from my friend's chest.

This has to be one of the worst things I've seen. Every time her heart would beat there would be a little blood to shoot up like it was a fucking fountain.

Chloe was on her knees getting covered in blood the second she saw Brooke. I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying. Probably a lot of "Stay with me. Please don't leave me. You can't leave me. You're gonna be ok. You will be fine." Trust me. I was in a similar situation.

I was snapped back into reality by Chloe screeching. It was like Eliza's screech. It snapped you back into reality and broke your heart at the same time.

When I looked over Brooke wasn't bleeding anymore and was laying limp in Chloe's arms. I felt the tears rush into my eyes. There was a clang on the floor. I looked up. Rich looked at Brooke's body mortified, his face was pale to the point it was green. He looked he was about to throw up. Rich stood there. Backed up against the table he must've been hunched over before it happened. The gun lay in front of him.

Chloe looked up at Rich while sobbing "Rich, what happened?"

I was and still am too shocked to remember exactly what he said but it was something to the effect of "I was doing something with the gun. She came out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me and I-"

We got the point. In that moment Chloe's heartbroken sadness was quickly replaced with vengeful rage. It was almost as if someone had flipped a switch.

Now, Rich and Chloe never had a particularly good relationship. Chloe still wasn't fully over Jake when he and Rich got together so she silently resented him.

But now?

He had just killed her girlfriend and one source of happiness. Add that to the beef from earlier.

I swear to you, Chloe would've taken that gun and shot Rich if Jake hadn't restrained her. 

If you only saw the look in her eye-

There is no way to describe it actually.

There has never been such a look of heartbreak, a need for vengeance and a sudden thrust for blood in a single person's face ever. It is literally haunting me as I'm writing this down. 

Jake took Chloe outside and I followed shortly after. I did take the gun with me. God knows what was going in his head. I just know it wasn't good.

I just hope that Chloe doesn't kill Rich, or that Rich does the deed before Chloe can.

I had to break the news to Christine. It wasn't pretty and it didn't go very well. She reacted like how Chloe did although less Eliza screech. But screech she did.

Fuck.

Literally everything is falling apart.

Goddamnit Jeremy. Why'd you have to leave us?

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you rage comment!!!
> 
> I procrastinated on this chapter for like half the day. It sat there with two lines like all day because I was scared of a repeat Jeremy scenario. Let it be a repeat Jeremy scenario down there. I just needed like 5+ hours to prep myself for it.
> 
> We're almost halfway through this tho! (plot-wise. I have no clue how many chapters this will end up being.)
> 
> I honestly thought that I would have abandoned this by now.
> 
> I really do hope I can make it to the ending. I really like what I have planned. 
> 
> All I'm telling you is that you will cry. Not telling you how or why. Just that you will at least shed one tear.


	52. 7-30-17

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate it when people fight? Because I fucking hate it. 

So Rich and Chloe have been fighting daily. I mean it's fair and Chloe has every damn right to never speak to Rich again. He killed her girlfriend. But like you'd just think she'd bump Rich in the hallway and glare at him from across the room or just not speak to him.

But no.

Chloe has to go the extra mile and argue with him about everything. They literally almost got into a fistfight yesterday. About what? I have no damn clue. Like Chloe was ready to throw hands. They can't be in the same room together without a problem. Even with supervision. They just try to kill each other any chance they get. Chloe is the main aggressor though.

I talked to Rich about it. He said he was only fighting back because he doesn't want to be killed or seem weak. He feels really bad about it.

I feel like this is the perfect time to bring up how I was worried that Rich would end up being a safety concern and I was fucking right. Every time I say that I have a bad feeling about whatever something bad happens. Every time. 

The one job Jeremy left me with was to take care of everyone. All that's happened since then is people dying. I had one job. And I keep fucking it up. If I was successfully taking care of everyone we'd still have Jenna and Brooke. Chloe wouldn't be actively trying to kill Rich. And none of all of this awful shit that has happened since Jeremy died that was in my control wouldn't have happened.

It would just be better if I left them for good.

Just leave Jake in charge.

They don't need me.

I've only been making things worse.

I could see Jen, Jere, and Brooke again too. And apologize for not being there for them.

Hell even before I was in charge in charge my number one job as Jeremy's boyfriend was to protect him. I even failed at that. I'm not good at this whole leadership thing. I never have been. 

I've only been doing is getting the people I care about the most killed.

Tension has never been higher. Chloe quite obviously wants Rich dead, Rich is terrified of her, and everyone else is just sorta stuck in the middle. Their insistent bickering has almost gotten us eaten alive a few times. We're supposed to be quiet and on guard. Especially now that we've almost lost half of the SQUIP Squad.

Just thinking about that. It freaks me out. I've lost almost half of my friend group to this shit. I really don't like that thought.

I did tell Jake what Rich had told me. So now our watch list is making sure Chloe doesn't murder Rich. And probably making sure Rich doesn't kill himself. Jake told me that he's been way too quiet. Even around him. This worries me.

Life is shit and that's all I got right now.

-Michael Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I've been gone for a while. I needed a break from making these gays suffer. A 2-month break apparently. But umm... we be back. Shit's still going down. Their world is burning. Ours is burning now too. But hey. We can hold on to the hope that there will be a happyish ending to their story.
> 
> Can't just be happy because Jeremy, Jenna, and Brooke are still dead so like. We can have happyish.


End file.
